Fun With The Akatsuki
by Hanhula
Summary: Random glimpses into the Akatsuki's life. No OCs. Very mild yaoi. I don't own anything other than the plot. Current Pairings may change : SasoDei, KisaIta, PeiKo. Hidan's in it, so expect rude language. 01/12/2014: I'm sorry, but this fanfic's currently discontinued.
1. Deidara & The Internet

**So... I decided that I wanted to write some Naruto fanfiction.**

**It's gonna have some yaoi, because I prefer the yaoi pairings. If you want to suggest some different pairings, post a review and I'll see if I like your idea.**

**Current pairings: Sasori x Deidara, Itachi x Kisame, Konan x Pein, possibly Zetsu x Tobi/Madara.**

**This fanfic is slightly AU seeing as I don't know where it would fit in the canon universe. I'll try to keep the characters IC, but I make no promises.**

**Disclaimer no Jutsu! (I know, so original.): I do not own Naruto. If I did, then Sakura would be long-dead, Sasuke would have never left, and the Akatsuki would be still alive and would have turned on Madara and joined forces with Konoha or something. I may have to write a fanfic along those lines someday. Tell me in a review if you think that's a good idea.**

**Also... please, PLEASE don't look at my other fanfictions. Yes, I mean the twilight/HP ones. They are awful. I get reviews every so often saying ZOMG UR FANFIC IZ SOOO FUNNIEEE. That just proves my point. I wrote them two years ago and I've come pretty far since then.**

**Fun With The Akatsuki**

**Chapter 1: Deidara & The Internet**

**Deidara's Point of View**

"DEIDARA-SEMPAI! TOBI BOUGHT YOU A LAPTOP!" the hyper orange-masked ninja screamed. Heh, I bet Kakazu's gonna yell at him any second now.

"You spent our money on WHAT?" Yup, there we go. Kakuzu hates spending money. Wait, did Tobi say the laptop was for me?

"Tobi wanted to get sempai a present! So Tobi sold Hidan-san's underpants on eBay and made a lot of money, which Tobi used to buy a laptop! Here, sempai! Catch!" Tobi threw the expensive-looking laptop at me. Somehow, I caught it.

"Tobi, don't throw laptops, un. That's how they break. And thanks, un!" Whoa. This laptop was seriously awesome. I opened it and turned it on.

- 5 Minutes Later –

I officially love this laptop. The internet's awesome! Hey, I wonder what'll come up if I search my name. Wow, that's a lot of results. Deviantart? That's an art site! But it's not real art, since art is a BANG! KATSU!

"DEIDARA! YOU BLEW UP MY PUPPET!" Oops. I clicked on the DeviantArt link. Wow, this is a pretty good picture of me. (How does this person know who I am?) Hey, they have more pictures too. SasoDei? Huh?

"Brat, why did you blow up my puppet?" Sasori walked in just as I clicked the words 'SasoDei'.

I screamed and covered my eyes.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT THE HELL, UN!" The entire Akatsuki (minus Zetsu and Tobi, who were off doing God-knows-what) ran in, to see me freaking out at something on the laptop screen. Sasori picked up the laptop, only to pale and put it down again.

For there on the screen, was a picture of me and my danna... making out... in bed.

Hidan took one look at the screen and burst out laughing. "That... is just... so... fucking... WRONG!"

"I want to know how someone managed to get a picture of that, un!"

That shut Hidan up. It also made Konan blush.

"...Konan?" Sasori asked, glaring.

"Uh.. PEIN! SAAVE MEEE!" Pein looked at her like she was mad.

"You snuck into Deidara and Sasori's room when they were having 'alone time', took pictures and posted them on the internet. And you want me to stop them from killing you?"

She pretended to think. "Yup!" I say 'pretended' because she's clearly not thinking.

Pein walked out the room. Konan squeaked, and ran after him. I looked at Sasori.

"Let's go make that paper bitch pay."

"Hell yeah, un!"

**Hidan's PoV**

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I KNEW IT! PINOCCHIO AND BARBIE ARE FUCKING EACHOTHER!

Hey, me and Kakuzu had a bet about this!

"KAKUZU! YOU OWE ME 400 RYO!" I yelled triumphantly. The old fart looked at me like I was mad.

"Why would I owe you money?"

"Because of our bet! Don't you remember, atheist bastard? We bet on whether Pinocchio and Barbie were fucking or not! Now pay up!"

"...Shit. How did you manage to win a bet?" He grumbled, handing over my winnings. I finally won a bet! AGAINST KAKUZU!

"I dunno. Jashin probably decided to-". I was RUDELY INTERRUPTED by Shark-boy. No, not Taylor Lautner. What does he have to do with anything? Why am I even thinking about him? I need to go do a ritual or something.

"Shut up about your bloody god, Hidan! Every single day it's always Jashin-this and Jashin-that! Seriously, if you like him so much why don't you go marry him? Oh wait, you're trying to. And would it kill you to wear a fucking shirt for ONCE? Or did your beloved Jashin-sama say 'NO' to shirts?" Kisame was ranting. Nothing new, he did this occasionally.

"Shut it, or I'll slice you up into sushi, shark boy!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? I'M NOT A SHARK!"

"You ARE. You have blue skin, and sharp teeth, and gill things."

"Grr... At least I'm not a freaky albino vampire priest!" Did he just call me a vampire? And an ALBINO?

"Hey, fuck you! At least I didn't get my ass kicked by some loser in green spandex! And he can't even remember your name!" At this, Kisame swung Samehada at me. I jumped out of the way. He's so slow!  
>"Haha! You can't even hit me! Shouldn't you be in your fish bowl, fishy?"<p>

"Hidan. Kisame. Enough. Come look at this." Itachi finally spoke. I forgot he was even there. He and Kakuzu were looking at some things on Deidara's laptop. They were looking at an entire page filled with pictures of Sasori and Deidara!

"Does.. does he have boobs in that one?" Kakuzu asked, incredulous. Yes, Sasori had boobs in one of the pictures. Hah, bet you thought it was Deidara. Who am I talking to..?

"Holy shit. That takes 'tentacle rape' to a whole new level." Kisame commented, about another.

Suddenly, a loud BOOM sounded through the hideout, followed by a female scream. Then.. silence.

"I think they caught Konan." I stage-whispered. Kakuzu facepalmed.

"Congratulations, Hidan. You've been promoted from Freaky Vampire Priest to Captain Obvious." Kisame chuckled. Sasori and Deidara chose that moment to walk in, looking very pleased with themselves.

"I take it you got your revenge on Konan?" Kakuzu asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yep, un!" It was fucking scary, seeing Sasori all smiley. And with Deidara grinning madly... I had to ask.

"What the hell did you do to the paper bitch, Barbie?"

"I'm not a Barbie, un! And Danna tied her up, and I blew up all her clothes and shoes. Then we put on videos of her and that pink-haired bitch who killed Danna. Wait, Danna... if Pinky killed you, how are you alive, un?" I blinked. Barbie had a point. How _was_ Pinocchio alive?

"I used a Defibrillate ring." Pinocchio stated. What the fuck? Is he high? He looks high.

"Are you high?" Barbie punched me! Fucking hell! I'm gonna sacrifice her/him/it to Jashin! "DON'T FUCKING PUNCH ME, BARBIE!"

"Why does everyone always think that I am high? I've never done drugs. Unlike Itachi."

"Sasori, we agreed on this. What happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas."

"But this wasn't Vegas, this was a random village."

"We still agreed on keeping this a secret." I'm confused. Is Pinocchio saying that Itachi Uchiha, pretty boy and one of the most serious people I know (and that's fucking saying something!)... has done drugs?

"Itachi-teme's done drugs, un?"

"..."

"Brat, let's go to bed. I'll tell you all about it."

"Hey! We want to know too!" Kisame yelled, indignantly.

"No. You. Don't." Itachi said, glaring.

"Actually, I want to know this too. I have a bet with Hidan on whether you've done drugs or not."

"Hey, I forgot about that! Jashin-dammit, I thought he'd be too much of a prissy-prissy to do drugs."

Itachi got up, glared at me and Kakuzu, and dragged Kisame out of the room.

I sighed, and looked at the clock that was on the wall. Even the Akatsuki need a clock.

Why was it backwards?

"Kakuzu, why is the fucking clock fucking _backwards_?"

"...You know what, I don't know. It was most likely Tobi deciding to have some fun." JASHIN DAMMIT! After a few minutes of trying to figure out the time, I finally worked out that it was about time for me to go sacrifice something to Jashin. I had a few captive ninja chained up in the dungeons for this purpose. Hopefully Zetsu hasn't eaten them all this time. I swear, if that plant fucker has done it AGAIN, I am going to spray him with weed-killer.

**END CH. 1**

**Well? Review and tell me if you liked it or not. Reviewers will get Sharingan cookies.**

**Hidan: AND IF YOU DON'T REVIEW, I'LL SACRIFICE YOU TO JASHIN-SAMA!**

**Where the HELL did you come from?**

**Hidan: I dunno. This is YOUR story.**

**What happened to the fourth wall?**

**Hidan: Zetsu ate it.**

**-sighs- How does Pein put up with you all?**

**Hidan: Why do you think we hardly ever see him and Konan? We hear them enough, though.**

**Okay, TMI.**

**HANHULA uses DUCT TAPE on wild HIDAN!**

**It's super effective!**

**Wild HIDAN can no longer talk!**

**Wild HIDAN uses RUDE HAND GESTURES!**

**It's not very effective...**

**HANHULA uses KICK TO BALLS!**

**Wild HIDAN fainted!**

**HANHULA wins!**


	2. Hidan & The Sims 2

**Thank you for the reviews and faves! It makes me happy to go into my inbox and see over 9000 (exaggerating much?) emails from FF. If for some reason I don't reply to your review, it means that I either forgot or didn't get an email saying something.**

**The idea for this chapter came to me a while ago, when I was playing The Sims 2. Now, I love Sims. I have about 50,000 files of custom content – that's not exaggerating. It might actually be a little low, too. I was making my first Narutohood in my game, when I thought 'how would the Akatsuki react to Sims 2?' Then I thought about how each Akatsuki member would react. Konan's the one who bought the games and downloaded all the CC, by the way. I have a feeling she'd enjoy this game.**

**Er, it was originally supposed to be just Hidan playing... but then everyone else decided they wanted to play, too...**

**Fun with the Akatsuki**

**Chapter 2: Hidan meets the Sims 2**

**Hidan PoV**

I'm fucking bored. Barbie is making shit out of his/her play-dough, Pinocchio's playing with his puppets, Sharkboy's polishing his sword, the Evil Weasel is.. wait, what IS he fucking doing? I think he's trying to out-glare himself in the mirror. Weirdo. Anyway, Lollipop-boy's playing some game with Pein – wait. Why is Pein, our LEADER, playing a game with that freak?

"Leader-sama, why are you playing a fucking game with Lollipop-boy?"

"I lost a bet. Laugh, and I'm going to decapitate you and put your head in the freezer for a month."

"Ookaaay... Somebody's on their period..." Kisame snickered at this. Pein glared at me. Ooh, scary.

Hey, Kakuzu's not outta bed yet. Stupid old man. I decided I'd go wake him up with the new thing that I bought... an air horn. I ran up to my room and grabbed it, before heading to Kakuzu's room. I opened the door and snuck in. I held the air horn up to his ear and...

**Tobi/Madara PoV**

Hehehe, Nagato's getting pissed off. I can't believe he still thought Deidara was a girl. So now he has to do whatever I say for a week! And I wanted – sorry, TOBI wanted to play Wizarding Chess. What, you think all those Harry Potter crossovers happened without us getting something out of it?

"Leader-sama, why are you playing a fucking game with Lollipop-boy?" LOLLIPOP-BOY? Hidan needs to come up with better nicknames, stupid Jashinist.

"I lost a bet. Laugh, and I'm going to decapitate you and put your head in the freezer for a month." Ooh, he's still bitter. Well no shit, of course he's bitter. _Tobi thinks Madara should not swear! Tobi is a good boy! _SHUT UP TOBI GET OUT OF MY HEAD. Tobi's actually created by a jutsu. _Tobi likes that jutsu! _It created you. Of course you like it, retard.

"Ookaaay... Somebody's on their period..." Speaking of periods, I think Konan might be on hers. She slapped Nagato then kissed him earlier. Either that or he did something stupid. Hidan then left the room with an evil grin on his face. I took Pein's king.

"HAH! TOBI BEAT LEADER-SAMA!"

"Goddammit! Where the hell did your queen come from?"

"Did Leader-sama fall for that? Heehee!"

"Wow. Can't believe Leader-sama got beaten by Tobi, un." Heh, Pein doesn't seem very happy to see Deidara. _IT'S SEMPAI! CAN TOBI HUG SEMPAI? _...fine...

"SEMPAII! DID YOU MAKE SOMETHING COOL, SEMPAI? CAN TOBI SEE?" It was funny watching Deidara react to suddenly being glomped. Nagato's face was a picture, too.

Suddenly, a loud blaring sound echoed through the base, followed by a yell.

"HIIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! YOU. ARE. DEAD!"

So THAT's what Hidan went to do. Kisame and Deidara started laughing. Sasori was smiling. Even Pein grinned. Hell, the only one who wasn't smiling was Itachi. _Tobi thinks Itachi needs a hug! _Good idea, especially since he knows that I'm Madara.

"Tobi, get off me." He's so BORING.

"Why, Itachi-san? Tobi thought Itachi-san needed a hug! Can Tobi not hug Itachi-san?"

"KATO-"

"FINE FINE FINE TOBI WILL LET GO OF ITACHI-SAN! DON'T HURT ME!"

"Hn."

**Hidan PoV**

Oh shit oh shit oh shit...gotta hide from Kakuzu! Everyone else is in the living room but I don't want them to see me running like hell from that old man... I KNOW! KONAN!

I burst into Konan's room. "Konan-sama! You've gotta help me hide from Kakuzu!"

"Since when do you call me Konan-sama? And fine, as long as you play Sims with me."

"What the fuck is Sims...?"  
>"Do you want me to help you or not?"<p>

"FINE! I'LL DO FUCKING ANYTHING!"

"Good boy. Go through that door there, and stay quiet. And don't touch anything or I'll castrate you and feed your man-parts to Zetsu." She pointed at a door that I'd never seen before. It led to a fucking wardrobe. Lucky bitch has a walk-in wardrobe! I listened as Kakuzu's footsteps approached the door.

"Konan! Have you seen Hidan? I'm going to kill him!" Ah, there he was. Motherfucker.

"He ran past here earlier. Just give it up. I think Tobi and Pein were going to play a game of Monopoly, maybe you can go play with them? Heh, maybe you can convince them to play with real money." She's gooood. I think distraction must be one of her best skills.

"Why would Pein be playing with Tobi in the first place?" He fell for it! He fucking fell for it!

"They bet on Deidara's gender. Pein thought Deidara was a girl. They got Sasori to dare Deidara to streak round the base. Tobi won."

"How is our leader that stupid?"

"I really don't know... I think he's been hit on the head too many times..."

"Okay. If you see Hidan, kick him in the balls for me. Monopoly, here I come!"

Konan shut and locked the door, before opening the wardrobe.

"If you've touched anything..."

"I fucking haven't! I swear to Jashin-sama!" Konan looked suspicious for a few seconds, before dragging me over to her desk. Her computer was loading up something called The Sims 2. Fucking weird name.

"Now, you WILL play Sims with me."

"What the fuck is Sims? You never told me!"

"It's a simulation game. You make and control little families. I've downloaded some stuff so we can make the Akatsuki!" I blinked. So, I could control the Akatsuki? HELL YES!

"Fuck. Yes."

Three hours later, we'd made the entire Akatsuki. We'd had to use some hacks to be able to have all of us in 1 house, but it worked. Konan's self-sim was making out with Pein. My sim was... WTF?

"WHY AM I MAKING OUT WITH SASORI?"

"I don't know! Oh, look, Deidara's slapping you. And now he's kissing Sasori."

"Why didn't we make Deidara a fucking girl?"

"Because he'd kill us."

"You have a fucking point. Hey, is Itachi dancing?"

"That looks incredibly stupid."  
>"It does. Zetsu's cooking. I hope nobody is stupid enough to eat that. Wait, Kakuzu is. Why the fuck is Zetsu STILL cooking?"<p>

"OH MY GOD! HE SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE!"

"CALL THE FUCKING FIRE BRIGADE! Oh, there's a fire alarm, they're already here! Shit, Kakuzu's dying! Wait, that's funny. HAHAHA! KAKUZU'S DYING!"

"Phew.. they put him out. It's not funny, Hidan! How would you like me to kill your sim?"

"Please don't! Hey, Kisame's stargazing. Nerd."

"Oh god."

"What the fucking hell? ALIENS?"

"When a guy gets abducted by aliens in this game, they get pregnant..."

"THE FUCK?"

"Oh look. You and Kakuzu are fighting."

"Where'd Deidara and Sasori go?"

"WooHooing."

"What?"

"Fucking."

"Oh..." This game was awesome! There was a knock on the door.

"Konan, have you seen Hidan? He's disappeared." Why did Pinocchio want to kno- OH MY GOD PLEASE SAY SIMS ISN'T LIKE REAL LIFE!

I screamed. Konan looked at me weirdly, and I pointed at the game. She burst out laughing.

"Sasori, come in. He's here." She said, through the laughter.

"The door is locked."

"Ok, hang on. _Alohomora_!" Since when is Konan a witch?

"Since when are you a fucking witch?"

"I'm not. The door has an automatic lock on it that unlocks when I say Alohomora." Sasori walked in as Konan finished talking. He immediately noticed the game.

"Can one of you tell me why weird versions of Deidara and myself are making that bed bounce around?" Those sims just could NOT stop fucking, could they? Seriously, this was getting kinda ridiculous.

"We're playing Sims, Pinocchio. We made everyone live in a house! And your sim is fucking weird. It made out with mine." Sasori looked at me oddly as Konan giggled.

"Where's Tobi's sim? I want to try and kill it. You can kill them, right?"

"Yeah, you can kill them."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME, KONAN?"

"Oh my god! Tobi's drowning!" Konan looked shocked. Sasori and me started laughing.

"That's fucking awesome! Hey, look! Everyone's running outside and watching! Zetsu's crying. Hah, loser. Everyone else is laughing. Holy shit, is that the grim reaper?"

"Can you make them have parties, Konan? Because I'd love to see them celebrate Tobi's death."

"We are NOT having a party to celebrate his death!"

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because it's cruel! Oh, look. Kakuzu set the house on fire again."

"Again? Did he set it on fire before I came in?"  
>"Yeah. Kakuzu's a shit cook on this. Hey, he's on fire again. Why are you trying to make my sim put him out? Run away, Sim-Me! Run!"<p>

"Are me and Deidara still woohooing?"

"Yes, you are. I'm going to go talk to Pein, you two can keep playing if you want to." Konan left. I looked at Sasori. He looked at me.

"Where's Itachi and Kisame?"

"Kisame got abducted by aliens. Itachi's still fucking crying about it. Oh, look. There's Sharkboy!"

"Why is he rubbing his- oh. He got probed, didn't he?"

"Konan said something about guys getting knocked-up after they get abducted. That's messed up."

_A few hours later..._

"HOLY SHIT! KISAME HAD A BABY!" This game was AWESOME. Konan was pregnant with Pein's baby, Kisame had just given birth to a green-skinned kid, Itachi was streaking, Kakuzu had burnt to death, I was fucking some random chick who'd walked into our house, Zetsu had been electrocuted and died, and Sasori and Deidara were playing computer games. It was now nighttime.

"Hey, I thought Tobi, Zetsu and Kakuzu died."

"They did, idiot."

"Then how are they walking around?"

"Fucking hell! They are! Oh my Jashin, there are ghosts in this game!" Ghost-Tobi walked up to Pein and scared the life out of him. Literally. "FUCK! TOBI KILLED PEIN!"

"We are dead when Konan finds out that Pein's dead."

"Eh, it's just a fucking game. How do we get rid of these stupid ghosts?"

"I don't think we can. Hey, you should propose to that girl."

"Why?"

"Because it'll be funny if she rejects you."

"She won't! Look, I'll propose!"

"Wow. She didn't reject you. But now you're engaged."

"Noooooooo! Marriage is against my religion!"

"It is?"

"Only to non-Jashinists."

"Ah. Then just don't marry her."

"Good idea, Pinocchio!"

"Will you stop calling me that?"  
>"Nope!" It was daytime again. Deidara and Sasori were sunbathing.<p>

"If you start fucking on the ground, I swear I'm gonna kill your sims."

"Is that even possible in this game?"

"Dunno. Ask Konan."

"She's still with Pein. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DEIDARAAAAAAAAAA!"

"HOLY SHIT! WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM?"

Something had fallen from the sky and crushed Deidara. Hah! Loser! He was dead now!

"Noooo..." Sasori began to cry.

**Downstairs, no PoV**

Deidara was working on a clay sculpture of Sasori, when he heard a yell. Sasori's yell.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DEIDARAAAAAAAAAA!"_

"What the hell, un?"

"_HOLY SHIT! WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM?"  
><em>"So Hidan's with Sasori now? Guess I should go kill him." Kakuzu said, nastily.

"Don't you dare, Kakuzu. They're in my room." Konan warned the money-lover. She was a little protective of her room.

"I'm going to go see why Sasori yelled my name, un." Deidara was confused. Why would his Danna yell his name like that?

"Your sim probably got killed." Deidara blinked.

"My WHAT got killed?"

"Sim. They're playing The Sims 2."

"What's that, Konan-sama? Can Tobi play?" Tobi always HAD to get involved in everything. Madara found it funny.

"I'm interested in this too." Itachi spoke up. Konan gave him an odd look. So did Kisame.

"It's a game where you make little people, and you control them. Hidan and Sasori are controlling the Akatsuki at the moment. When I left, Kisame had been abducted by aliens and Tobi had drowned."

"I was ABDUCTED by aliens? What the hell, Konan?"

"And in this game, if a male is abducted by aliens, they come back pregnant." This had the entire Akatsuki (that were in the room) laughing.

"Why was Tobi drowned? Tobi is a good boy! He can swim fine!"

"I accidently deleted the pool ladder so you were trapped in the pool."

"Konan, you killed Tobi on purpose, didn't you?" Even Pein seemed interested in the game now.

"Maybe... Let's go upstairs and play."

**Hidan PoV**

Sasori's been crying over Deidara's death for the last 5 minutes. Seriously, he's pathetic. Konan's about to give birth, and nobody else really cares. Itachi's having a bath, Kisame's taking care of his baby, and I was sleeping. Nothing interesting. Suddenly, the rest of the REAL Akatsuki burst in through the door, just as Konan began to give birth. They froze as they heard Sim-Konan's yells.

"HIDAN! WHO GOT ME PREGNANT?" Real Konan glared at me.

"Er, Pein did."

"There was a sim of me? Where is he?"

"Tobi's ghost scared you to death, Leader-sama."

"Where's my sim? **Or did you not make one of me?**"

"You got electrocuted when you were trying to fix the TV, Zetsu. Tobi drowned, Deidara was crushed by some weird satellite or something, and Kakuzu set himself on fire and burnt to death."

"Danna, danna are you OK, un?" We all glanced at Sasori. He'd passed out at some point.

"Kisame, wake him up." Pein ordered. Kisame grinned, and smacked Sasori over the head with Samehada.

"OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR? I'LL MAKE YOU INTO SUSHI!" Sasori jumped up and pulled out his bladey things that were on his back. Kisame hid behind Itachi.

"Itachi, make him stop! PLEASE!" Wait, did Shark-boy actually say please?

"Sasori. Pein ordered him to wake you up." Itachi always had to ruin the fun!

"Grrrr, fine. Why did I pass out, anyway?" Pinocchio was pissed. He's weird.

"You were in shock that Barbie got killed. Hahaha, loser. Hey, Konan, you had twins. Whatcha gonna call them? One's a boy and one's a girl."

"Um... Aoi and Sora." **(AN: Not very imaginative of me, but Aoi means Blue and Sora means Sky. They're also the names of filler characters.)**

"Where's my sim, Hidan? Or did he die too?" said Kisame. I wonder what he tastes like? And no, I'm not turning into Zetsu – Kisame's a fish.

"Nah, you're looking after your kid, Kisame. You got abducted and raped by aliens. Itachi cried the entire fucking time!"

"WHAT?" Kisame looked really freaked out at the thought of a kid.

"Look, there he is. Baby Sushi."

"You named my kid SUSHI?" Wait, I thought he didn't want a kid.

"Yup! Can I kill it?"

"No!"  
>"Er, Hidan? What's that beeping noise?" Pein asked, looking at the screen. Itachi had started cooking, and had set the house on fire.<p>

"Oh great, Kakuzu the second. OW! DON'T HIT ME YOU OLD FART! FUCK YOU!"

"Shut up Hidan." Old miser.

"Hidan, I'd like it if you could stop me from burning to death. Sasori's on fire, too. Oh, and Konan. And now Kisame as well... You're going to have to look after all three kids at this rate..."

"Hidan! Give Tobi the mouse! Tobi will call the fire brigade! Tobi is a good boy!"

"They're already there, you retard! They just can't get in. Dammit, why did I let fucking Sasori do the decorations! Pinocchio forgot to put a gate in!

"Hey, look, Sim-Hidan's on fire too!"

"Nooooo!"

Eventually, all the sims died except the babies, who were taken away by social services. They could somehow walk through walls. Fucking weird. We were all stunned into silence.

"I can't believe Itachi killed everyone."Sasori muttered, glaring at the Uchiha.

"Not the first time he's done that, un." Itachi glared at Deidara.

"Shut. Up. Blondie."

"Fuck off, Uchiha bastard!"

"Magen-"

"Itachi! Deidara! Stop fighting! It's a game. Which Hidan is not very good at." Pein interrupted. I glared at him.

"It's not my fault Sasori is too much of a retard to put in a fucking gate! Now I'm going to go sacrifice something to Jashin-sama. I forgot to do my ritual this morning."

"Oh great, more blood on our floor."

"Shut up, old man. Go take your medication or something."

"Why you-!"

**END CH. 2**

**Holy shiiiiit. This is over 3000 words long. And 6 pages in Word. I started writing it the DAY after I posted the first chapter, and I'm only just finishing it 3 days later.**

**Hey, did you notice that the post date for the story is 6-9-2011? Hehe. 69. Sorry...**

**I wonder if there is a way to make the dates show as, for instance, 13-6-2011. I've never used the American style, and I hate it. It's confusing.**

**Deidara: Why were some of us hardly in this, un?**

**Oh god. Here we go again.**

**Deidara: Answer me, un!**

**Fine! I forgot about some of you. I tried, at least.**

**Deidara: You did? Hey, wanna see my art?**

**Only if it's outside.**

**Deidara: It is! KATSU!**

**Hidan: DEIDARAAAA!**

**Deidara: I forgot he was doing a ritual...**

**Hidan: I'M GONNA KILL YOU, BARBIE!**

**Deidara: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, UN? KATSU!**

**They even manage to fight in the AN! STOP IT YOU TWO!**

**...**

**They stopped? Phew. Oh, no, wait, I can hear them in the background. Oh well.**

**Anyway, review and I'll give you one of Tobi's masks.**

**Deidara: And if you don't, I'll make you into my art, un!**


	3. Madara & Dragon Ball Z

**I love getting reviews :D They make me feel special. Because I'm a speshul snoeflaek.**

**So apparently, I have a good sense of humour? -looks around suspiciously- WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?**

**This chapter is completely unplanned. As I write this AN, I haven't even come up with an idea for it. Just so you know – it's almost midnight on 14/6/2011. Let's see how long it takes me to finish this chapter!**

**FINISHED CHAPTER AT 15:25PM ON 18/6/2011. I got distracted writing another story ^_^'**

**(I'm thinking of switching to a 3****rd****-Person PoV, like in Harry Potter. You'd still get the character's thoughts, but not like it is now. Thoughts?)**

**And for all you people who don't know who Tobi is yet, even though I've said who it is over 9000 times, TOBI IS MADARA UCHIHA. Not Obito.**

**Fun with the Akatsuki**

**Chapter 3: Tobi/Madara watches Dragon Ball Z**

**Madara PoV**

Being the undercover leader of the Akatsuki is boring.

I have nothing to do!

Deidara is in his room. Hidan and Sasori are in there too. The noises are disturbing. Wait, since when is Hidan with those two?

...

AAH! I DO NOT NEED THESE MENTAL IMAGES! Quick! Madara! Think of Konan naked... oh god, that made it worse, now I'm seeing naked Pein! _Madara is a pervert. _I AM NOT! _Tobi thinks Madara is a bad boy. Tobi is a good boy, though! _Shut up, Tobi. _Why, Madara-chan? _Becau- did you just call me Madara-chan? _Is Tobi not allowed to call Madara-chan that? _NO! SHUT UP!

I bashed my head against the wall, attempting to rid myself of both the scarring mental pictures and Tobi. It didn't work. _Did you know, every time you bash your head against the wall you lose 50 calories? _Where the hell did you learn that? _Tobi used Sempai's laptop! _Ugh...

"Tobi, why are you bashing your head against the wall?" Oh look. It's a shark. _TOBI HASN'T CAUGHT A SHARPEDO YET! CAN TOBI CATCH THE SHARPEDO? _Sure, whatever.

"EEEH! A WILD SHARPEDO APPEARED!" I screeched, making Kisame wince.

"What's a Sharpedo? Is that a new kind of pen?"

"TOBI SENDS OUT... UH... OH NO! TOBI CANNOT FIND HIS POKEMON! Oh well, Tobi throws a Pokeball!" I threw a red and white ball at the newly-dubbed 'Sharpedo'. It smacked him on the nose. He growled.

"Oh noo! The wild sharpedo used Growl! Now Tobi's defence is lower! Uh, uh, I know! I'll use an ULTRA-BALL!" This time, I threw a black, white and yellow ball at Kisame, who dodged this time.

"TOBI! STOP THROWING THINGS AT ME! RAAH!" He swung Samehada at me.

"UH OH! Tobi is going to run now! End battle, END BATTLE!" I yelled, before running off towards the living room, Kisame in pursuit.

"GET BACK HERE YOU LOLLYPOP-HEADED MORON!"

"But Tobi ended the battle! TOBI RAN! AAAAH!" I wasn't looking where I was going, and I ran straight into Itachi. The raven glared at me, and I noticed that he was playing... Pokémon. Oh, the irony.

"Itachi-san! The sharpedo is still attacking me when I have no pokemon and I ran!" He raised an eyebrow. I pointed at his DS, and he smirked.

"Kisame. Wild Pokémon do not attack after their opponent has run away. Baka."

"But I'm not a Pokémon!"

"Oh? Then you must be a trainer. And you met my eyes, so I challenge you to a Pokémon battle." I laughed at this. Two of the most feared shinobi in the land... having a Pokémon battle. I decided to go watch some youtube videos on Deidara's laptop. After all, he hardly left it protected. I mean, it was locked in a safe with a 50-number code, a fingerprint scanner, an eye scanner, and 12 different locks which had to be opened in a certain order. If you messed up, a laser beam would try and zap you. Deidara would also be notified. So, you see, it was practically lying out in the open!

I had simply sawed through the wall behind the safe, and made a little hatch. Easy. Stupid blondes... _Madara is not a good boy! _Of course I'm not, baka. Now shut up. _But Tobi wants to search for something! _Oh? Do tell. _Tobi heard Deidara-sempai talking about something called Dragon Ball See and Tobi wants to look it up! _Eh, fine. Dragonball... oh, you misheard. It's Dragon Ball Z. Hmm, there's a site to watch it on.

**The next day, Deidara PoV**

Sasori and Hidan were both f-

**OK! WRONG POV! I AM NOT WRITING LEMONS! THIS IS T-RATED!**

**The next day, Itachi PoV**

Kisame officially sucks at Pokémon. Thanks to Madara acting like a retard, I was able to force Kisame to play Pokémon with me until he passed out from lack of sleep. He should have drunk more coffee. Coffee is good. Mmmm, coffee. Coffee: The only thing better than power. And that's high praise, coming from an Uchiha!

Oh god. Madara's just ran out of the room. What was he looking at, anyway?

...

DRAGON BALL Z?

This is JUST what we need... 'Super Saiyan' Tobi...

Madara ran into the room, wearing... oh dear. I thought so. Kisame, Kakuzu, and Zetsu stared at him incredulously.

"TOBI IS GOING TO BECOME A SUPER SAIYAN! LOOK, LOOK!" A golden glow appeared around Tobi. His hair turned golden, and became even spikier. His eyes probably went turquoise. I cannot tell though, as he is still wearing that mask. The others gaped.

"Er, Tobi? How the hell did you do that?" Kisame asked, wide-eyed.

"Tobi is a Saiyan!"

"The Saiyans aren't real, Tobi. How much did you spend on the cosplay outfit?"

"TOBI IS A SAIYAN! TOBI DOESN'T LIKE YOU, GRANDPA!"

"Tobi, it's not nice to call Kakuzu names. **Kakuzu's an old fart! Hahaha! **Shhh! He's immortal, remember? **5 hearts doesn't make him immortal. **He's got fairies in bottles, though. **Aww.**"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? I'LL KILL YOU!"

"KAAAA... MEEEEE..." I decided to intervene before we saw if Tobi had ki as well as chakra.

"Tobi, if you use that in here, you'll break the base again. Kakuzu, calm down. Are you really getting masked at a hyper retard and a plant?" Zetsu glared at me. Madara turned in my direction too, and I felt a blast of killer intent from him.

"...Fine. I'm going to go count my money." And Kakuzu stormed out.

"Did you just call me a plant? **I'm going to kill you!**" A pissed-off Zetsu was never a nice Zetsu.

"Mr. Zetsu! Tobi thinks you should try eating the fish!" What is Madara playing at? He's going to piss off Kisame now, too?

"**Hmm. Good idea. **We can't eat Kisame! **Why not?**" Kisame grabbed Samehada and pointed it at Zetsu.

"Come anywhere near me and I'll shred you to bits, plant man." I am surrounded by idiots.

"**STOP CALLING ME THAT! **Please! We aren't going to eat you, Kisame. **Yes, we are. **Fish are friends, not food! **Fine...**" Kisame was twitching. He hated being called a fish.

"Stop arguing. Kisame-"

"Itachi, I'll be in our room. Give me a bit of time to relax. You can come join me later, if you want...?"

"Of course. I will see you later, then." And Kisame left. I glared at Tobi and Zetsu. The latter was still in his Saiyan form.

"Madara, how are you a Saiyan? **It's not a genjutsu, is it? **I doubt it, we can feel the power."

"No, it's not a genjutsu. It's a transformation jutsu. I also developed the techniques of the Saiyans and the others on the show into new jutsus. ...What? Why are you looking at me like that? I was bored!"

"I think we may need to hide the laptops." It would be really bad if Madara started to figure out how to get the powers from other anime shows. Saiyan power is bad enough!

"Why, Itachi-_chan_?" Madara said. I took a step back. I must not attack Madara. I must not attack Madara. I must not-

"Awww, is the ickle weasel scared that his granddad will find more superpowers? Aww, diddums."

I snapped.

"TSUKUYOMI!" Somehow, I caught Madara by surprise. And weirdly, he wasn't able to escape.

"Itachi! Did you just tsukuyomi Madara? **He actually has balls! **Shh, I think he's mad. **Who cares? It's just Itachi. The weasel. **You baka! Don't call him that!"

"AMATERASU!"

"AAAH! **AAAAH! **RUN FOR OUR LIIIVES!"

**An hour later, Pein PoV**

Konan and I walked into the living room to find it on fire. Black flames were everywhere. Madara was unconscious on the floor. He also had glowing golden hair that was very spiky, and a golden aura surrounded him.

"What the hell happened here?" I asked, staring at Madara in disbelief. Zetsu rose out of the floor, looking very scared. He looked around before answering.

"Itachi happened. **He tried to kill us! **I don't like Itachi anymore." I. Hate. Uchihas.

"What did he do to Madara?" I asked. He didn't look like he'd be waking up anytime soon. Konan had gone over to him, and was looking him over.

"Tsukuyomi, it seems."

"Madara called him Itachi-chan. Then he called him an ickle weasel in a baby voice. **It was funny! That kid is scary, though. **Agreed. He tried to kill us when you called him a weasel. ** I didn't think he would!**"

"So that's why the room is on fire. Where is he now?"

"He said something about Kisame."

"Ah. I'll talk to him later."

**End of Chapter 3**

**So this chapter's a little shorter. I couldn't really think of much to write. I started another story, too. It's a bit more serious, but still – go check it out! It's called Naruto Uzumaki: Son of the Akatsuki. Basically, Itachi takes a 4-year-old Naruto with him when he leaves the village after killing his clan. I've only put the prologue up at the moment, but I'm writing more. The Akatsuki, looking after Naruto... heh, it's gonna be funny.**

**So, what do you people think of Chapter 3? Leave a review and tell me. You'll get a cookie, too. Flamers will be fed to Manda, non-reviewers will be forced to train with that freaky pervert Orochimaru.**


	4. Akatsuki Truth or Dare

**Fun with the Akatsuki**

**Chapter 4: Pein plays Truth or Dare**

**Pein PoV**

Madara is glaring at me. I don't know why. I glance at him, and he jumps up.

"LEADER-SAMA! TOBI WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!"

"Fine, if it will make you shut up..."

I followed him into the hallway. He spun around.

"Pein, you should make everyone play Truth or Dare."

"Are you crazy? Last time that happened, Sasori blew up the base!"

"Who cares? We can just rebuild it. Wait – did you say that SASORI blew up the base? As in, the puppet? Who hates explosions?"

"The very same. Did you know puppets can get drunk?"

"Still, either you order them to play it or I'll annoy everyone until they do."

"Ugh... Fine."

We both walked back into the room. Everyone was there, even Zetsu.

"Everybody, we're going to be playing Truth or Dare. If any of you – yes, that means you, Hidan – try to get out of this, I'm going to tie you to a chair and force you to listen to Justin Bieber for two days straight. Kakuzu, go find a bottle." They all stared at me like I was mad, except for Deidara. The blonde had a very scary expression on his face, and he was looking at Itachi. Said man looked disturbed. Kakuzu left to find a bottle.

"Are you MAD, Leader-sama?" asked Kisame, still staring. "I'm still having nightmares from last time!"

"Don't remind me of that horrible night!" yelled Sasori, freaking out. Hidan and Deidara looked at him oddly.

"Oh yeah. Deidara, Hidan and Tobi are new. They won't know the rules." Said Konan, smiling wickedly. Kakuzu chose that moment to return. He held a bottle in one hand, and a scroll in the other.

"I brought the bottle, and the rules."  
>"Hey, old man! I thought I was captain obvious, not you!" Hidan yelled. He held a half-empty bottle of vodka. There was a pile of empty bottles near where he was sitting.<p>

"Who gave Hidan vodka?" Pein asked, glaring. "You know what happens when he gets drunk."

"Tobi thought Hidan would be good..." Tobi said, in a small voice. I facepalmed. I'm going to kill Madara.

"Idiot! Zetsu, read the Rules to everybody."

"Yes, Leader-sama." Everyone went silent.

"Rule 1: You cannot quit the game. **Why would you want to? **Shut up!

Rule 2: Only Leader-sama or Konan can end the game. **Since Leader is Konan's bitch."** I glared at Zetsu. Everyone backed away from me. Konan smiled. That woman is evil!

"Rule 3: No daring anybody to kill themselves, or do anything that would end up with them dying. **Obviously, you can dare Hidan to do anything. **Can castration kill? **I don't thi- hey, I'm the evil one!" **Hidan gulped as people started smirking at him.

"**Rule 4: Nobody is allowed to fuck Konan except Leader-sama. **This rule is crude. **Shut up!**" Madara pouted behind his mask at this rule. I glare at him. I'm glaring a lot today. I need a drink..

"Rule 5: No serious dares, like catching the Kyuubi or something. **That example belongs to rule 3, idiot! **Have you seen the Kyuubi's jinchuuriki? He's an idiot. **So are you. And his friends are strong. **Point..."

"Shut up and finish saying the rules!" Kisame yelled.

"**Fine, fine. Keep your pants on. **Rule 6: If somebody refuses to do a dare, they must strip naked and run through their home village, or another village of the darer's choosing. **Heh, wonder how Oro would react if we got someone to run through Oto?"** Sasori, Deidara and Itachi all paled.

"Rule 7: If someone lies during a truth question, they will have to put on an embarrassing outfit **and wear it on their next mission, too! I remember when Kisame did that! **And his mission was in Kiri, too..." Kisame blushed, which looked incredibly odd.

"**Rule 8: No lame dares. **Which means no 'I dare you to pee on the floor' or anything. **We're looking at you, Tobi. **But Tobi is a good boy! **My point exactly." **Madara sent some strong KI towards Zetsu. Both halves flinched.

"Rule 9: No daring your romantic partner – **or partners in Deidara, Sasori and Hidan's case – **to fuck you. Or do anything romantic towards you.** See previous rule.**

And finally, rule 10: No dancing whilst naked. **Unless you're female at the time. **At the time? **Remember that jutsu Itachi copied from the Kyuubi's jinchuuriki and then taught everyone? **Oh yeah..." I was disturbed now. I just got rid of those mental images! Gah! I'M GONNA KILL MADARA FOR THIS! Konan reached out, and spun the bottle to decide who would go first. It landed on Deidara, who spun the bottle again. This time, it landed on Itachi. Deidara's face broke out into a wicked smirk.

"Truth or dare, un?" Any sane person would pick truth.

"Dare." He is mad. It must be an Uchiha thing.

"BWAHAH! I dare you to put on these clothes, shunshin to Oto, find Orochimaru and your brother, and yell that you only murdered your clan because they hated crossdressing gay ballerinas. Then come back here and drink the entire bucket of stuff that is over there." We were all speechless at Deidara's crazy dare. I snuck a look at the bucket of 'stuff', but there was nothing there.

"What bucket of stuff?" asked Kisame, confused.

"Genjutsu. That looks foul. Also, I hate you, Deidara." Itachi said, before putting on the frilly pink ballerina dress that Deidara handed to him. He then shunshinned to Oto. Konan followed with a video camera, which was streaming video to the projector that Kakuzu had set up when we were all distracted.

"_OROOOCHIIMARUUUU-CHAAANN! SAAASUUUKEEEEE-KUUN!" yelled Itachi, wincing at the cold. Sasuke was reading some random book, and Orochimaru was staring at the youngest Uchiha. Their jaws dropped when they saw who it was._

"_Itachi..? Why are you wearing Kabuto's nightgown?" Sasuke asked, staring at his brother._

"_KABUTO WEARS A DRESS LIKE THAT TO BED? AHAHAHAHAHA!" Kisame burst out laughing. Hidan joined in, and Deidara was soon to follow._

"_Well, well, Itachi-kun. I guess you're taking me up on my 'offer', then?"_

"_Shut up and listen! SASUKE-CHAN! I ONLY KILLED THE CLAN BECAUSE THEY HATE CROSSDRESSING GAY BALLERINAS LIKE ME... AND YOU IN THE FUTURE!"_

"_...CHIDORI!" Itachi jumped out of the way and grabbed his brother, before shunshinning back to the base. Still holding his brother._

"Why the hell did you bring that fucker here?" Once again, Hidan asked the question that everyone was thinking.

"I wanted to. Leader-sama, do you mind?" Another Uchiha? Of _COURSE_ not. I closed my eyes for a few seconds.

"Fine. Just hurry up and spin the bottle, then show him the rules."

"Yes, Leader-sama." He spun the bottle. It landed on Sasori, who hid behind Deidara. Which looked stupid, seeing as Deidara was shorter than him. Deidara sweatdropped.

"Danna, stop hiding behind me and act like a man, un! Jeez, and I'm the uke..." Whoa. Too much information.

"One, that was TMI for everyone else. And two, shut up. Ask the question, Itachi."

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare, to prove that I am, in fact, a man." Kisame laughed at this.

"You're a puppet. Puppets don't have genders." Sasori, Hidan and Deidara all glared at Kisame. Then Hidan smirked.

"Ah, but Sasori's definitely a guy. He's bigger than my forearm!" Oh HELL no. Not MORE bad mental images. Konan was gaping. Her eyes darted from me to Sasori to Hidan's arm.

"Konan..." I said, warningly. She jumped.

"Ehehe... Gomen nasai..."

"Sasori, I dare you to go to Suna and tell Gaara that his father was not the former kazekage. You have to tell him that his father... is you." Sasori's eyes widened. Everyone burst out laughing.

"I'm going to kill you, Uchiha." Sasori grumbled, as he shunshinned to Suna. Zetsu followed with the video camera.

_Gaara was standing on the roof of the kazekage tower. Wind blew through his blood-red hair. Sasori appeared behind him, smirking._

"_Hello, Gaara-kun."_

_Gaara jumped, and turned around. "Why are you here, Akasuna no Sasori? And... how are you here? Haruno Sakura should have killed you!"_

"_She did kill me. I don't know how I'm alive, but I need to tell you something. I won't harm you."_

"_Speak."_

"They're both so boring..." muttered Deidara. Kakuzu hit him.

"Be quiet!"

"_Your father was not the old kazekage." Gaara's pupil-less eyes widened. Sand began to move near Sasori's feet._

"_What? But... that can't be!"_

"_Your mother... she fell in love with another man."  
>"You lie!" The normally emotionless kazekage was getting riled up.<em>

"_No, I don't. You see, Sabaku no Gaara, your true father... is me."_

"_No! I refuse to believe this!" he shouted._

"_Well you had better believe it, because it's the truth."_

"_Nooo! It can't... there's no way..."_

"_Karura was such a beautiful woman, too. I truly wish I had got to the Yondaime Kazekage before Orochimaru."_

"Um... how does Sasori know who Gaara's mother is? And how does he know what she looked like?" asked Kisame. He had a point. How _did _Sasori know this?

"_So... if you are my true father... Temari and Kankur__ō__ are not my siblings?"_

"_Oh, they are. The Yondaime only slept with your mother once, you know. He never did find out about Karura and I. Where else do you think Kankur__ō__ got his puppet skills from?"_

"_Then why did you kill me?"_

"_I had to. You'll notice that I had my boyfriend fight you, instead of actually entering combat with you. The only reason I poisoned your brother was because I had to. Besides, I knew that the pink-haired Konoha bitch would be able to cure it."_

"_Why... why were you never here, then?" Gaara's voice was no more than a whisper. Sasori gave a sad smile._

"_I'm an S-class missing-nin. I couldn't stay here. Suna... back then, Suna was a horrible place. Now I must go. I'm sorry, Gaara."_

"_Wait!" Sasori shunshinned away just in time. Gaara collapsed to the ground._

We were all speechless when Sasori and Zetsu arrived back at the base.

"I must say, I'm impressed. I did not think you were that good of an actor," remarked Kakuzu. Sasori glared.

"I wasn't acting."

"WHAT?" Deidara and Hidan yelled in unison. "But... you're gay!"

"Bisexual."

"When did this happen, Sasori? You left Suna when you were 15! You turned yourself into a puppet shortly after!" Kisame exclaimed. I worked it out in my head. Gaara was 15 now, and Sasori was 35. Twenty year age difference. But that would mean Sasori was 20 when Gaara was born. I didn't know the ages of the other two, but I knew Temari was the eldest of the three, and Gaara was the youngest.

"Now that I think about it, Sasori did disappear a lot around fifteen years ago..." I muttered, working it out. "Is this what you were doing?"

"Yes, leader-sama. I'm sorry, but I couldn't tell you." Sasori reached over, and spun the bottle. It landed on Kakuzu.

"Truth or dare, Kakuzu?"

"I am not being dared to do something stupid. Truth."

"How old are you?"

"...91."

"BAHAHAHAHA!" Everyone jumped at the sudden burst of laughter from Hidan. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE THAT FUCKING OLD! No wonder you don't fight much! What, don't you wanna hurt your fucking back?"

Kakuzu growled, and jumped at Hidan, slicing the Jashinist's head off.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! THAT FUCKING HURT! FUCK YOU, KAKUZU! GO EAT A DICK!" yelled Hidan's head. I am never going to get used to that. Kakuzu spun the bottle. It landed on Hidan, who groaned. "Nooo... Of all the shitty luck..."

"Truth or dare?" asked Kakuzu. Hidan smirked.

"I'm not a fucking pussy like you, Cock-up-you! Dare!" he yelled. Kakuzu sewed Hidan's head back onto his body.

"You'll need your body for this. I dare you to eat Itachi's dango." As soon as Kakuzu finished speaking, the temperature seemed to drop. Killer intent radiated from Itachi.

"Uhh... Umm... Do I have to?" Hidan whispered, terrified. I wasn't surprised. The Uchiha clan had mastered the death glare. It was their eyes, I think. Konan once told me how she'd heard stories of a red-eyed Konoha kunoichi who had a very good death glare; perhaps even on par with Itachi's. The red eyes made everything scarier.

"Would you rather run through a village naked? And I will be getting you to run through Oto, by the way." Kakuzu's threat made Hidan shiver. Why did I ever let Orochimaru into the Akatsuki? He's scarred our members!

"THAT WAS BAD ENOUGH THE FIRST TIME! Fine, I'll eat the stupid dango... Itachi can't kill me..." Hidan seemed to be trying to convince himself. He grabbed the dango from Sasuke, who had stolen it from Itachi when the older ninja wasn't looking. Hidan ate it very quickly. Itachi growled, and hissed. Everyone looked at him strangely. Sasuke seemed to be remembering something.

"Oh shit..." muttered the young Uchiha. There was a loud BANG... and nothing.

When I came to, the room was destroyed. There was blood everywhere. Hidan's mutilated body lay on the floor. Itachi was laughing manically in the middle of the room. I was the second to wake up. Madara was looking oddly at Deidara, who was sleeptalking.

"No, daddy... Don't touch me there, un... please... noo..." Deidara was having a very disturbing dream. Sasori was the next to wake up, followed by Konan, then Sasuke. The latter was staring at his brother in disbelief. Kisame and Kakuzu awakened shortly after, followed by Zetsu. Itachi snapped out of his mess when Sasuke hugged him. Hidan then woke up, complaining. We all stared at Deidara. Sasori tried to wake him up.

"Dei-chan... Come on, wake up." He murmured into the blonde's ear. Deidara punched him. "Ouch! What the heck?"

"Tobi thinks there is something wrong with Sempai! Maybe Itachi-sempai used Tsukuyomi?" Tobi yelled. That was a good point.

"Maybe we just need to make some noise." Kisame suggested, pulling out his sword. No, not THAT sword! Keep it clean, people! Kisame swung Samehada at Hidan, who yelled. Loudly. Deidara didn't even stir from his nightmare. Kakuzu poked him. This seemed to get a reaction.

"! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE TENTACLE MONSTER JUTSU!" Deidara's eyes snapped open, and he ran out of the room.

"What the hell?" said Hidan, staring at the hole in the wall. Yes, Deidara had run through the wall.

"I think we should stop playing truth or dare now..." suggested Konan. We all agreed. Sasori and Hidan went to see what was wrong with Deidara. Itachi picked up Sasuke and dragged him back to his room. Well, he started to anyway.

"Wha- Itachi? Put me down! I DON'T SUPPORT UCHIHACEST!" Sasuke yelled. Itachi dropped his brother. "Owww.."

"What is wrong with you? I'm taking you to my room because we have 3 beds in there. Kisame decided he wanted another bed in case we broke one."

"Oh."

I got up, and beckoned Konan to my room. Maybe having some fun could take our minds off the crazy things that had been happening?

**END**

**A/N**

**I was planning on writing more, but I got bored and ran out of ideas. Sorry...**

**What's wrong with Deidara? O_o**

**Please review, or Kakuzu will tentacle rape you.**

**Kakuzu: What?**

**Ehehehe...**

**Kakuzu: Ignore this crazy woman.**

**Non-reviewers: YAY!**

**Kakuzu: Hidan will sythe-rape you if you don't review.**

**Non-reviewers: Oh, S-**

**Hidan: YES! I LOVE SACRIFICING TO JASHIN!**


	5. The Uchiha Clan's Secret Fear

**A/N: Ok, so originally this chapter was going to be inspired by TMNT. But then I had a conversation with the lovely NightandLostsoul, and came up with this.**

**The ultimate fear of the Uchiha clan.**

**Bet you can't guess what it is.**

**Orochimaru: Snakes?**

**No. You should know that they don't give a shit about snakes! You trained Sasuke for 3 YEARS!**

**Orochimaru: DAMNIT.**

**Sasuke, do the disclaimer.**

**Sasuke: Hn.**

**Sasuke... do I need to make you?**

**Sasuke: -ignores-**

**Ok, that's it! Itachi! Bring the baby pictures!**

**Itachi: Here they are.**

**Sasuke: OK FINE! Hanhula doesn't own Naruto! Otherwise I'd quit being so bloody stupid and would get together with Naruto!**

**Itachi: I knew it. Kisame, you owe me 5 ryo.**

**Kisame: Dammit! How did you know he was gay?**

**Itachi: He ignored all the fangirls.**

**Kisame: Oh. Right.**

**Fun with the Akatsuki**

**Chapter 5: The Uchiha Clan's Ultimate Fear**

**Madara PoV**

I'm bored again. Deidara still won't tell anybody what he was dreaming about. Sasori and Hidan are trying to convince him. Sasuke's still living with us. I'm forcing Pein to let him stay. He walked in on one of Hidan's rituals earlier – Sasuke, that is. Pein finds them interesting. I heard Sasuke's scream from the other side of the base. Damn, he yells loud! Kakuzu and Kisame have been having a yelling competition, by the sound of it. I think Kisame spent loads of money on a swimming pool, or something?

"WE DON'T EVEN NEED ONE! WE HAVE A RIVER RIGHT BY THE BASE!"

"SO? A HOT SPRING WILL BE AWESOME!" Oh, right. A hot spring. Not a swimming pool. Hey, Kisame had a good idea! I'll go find Pein and tell him to stop Kakuzu from yelling.

"IT'S JUST HOT WATER! YOU CAN FILL UP A TUB WITH IT AND BATHE IN THAT!"

"FUCK YOU, KAKUZU! KONAN! BACK ME UP HERE!"

I walked in just as Konan started talking.

"Kakuzu, a hot spring is a great idea. I haven't been able to relax in one since I was a child. It'll be nice to relieve stress after a mission."

"Tobi thinks a hot spring will be awesome! Can Tobi name it?"

"YOU DON'T NAME HOT SPRINGS! WE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE BUYING ONE!" Pein walked in at that moment. Konan and I looked at him, mentally yelling at him.

"Kisame, you ordered a hot spring?"

"Y-yes, leader-sama."

"Good idea. Kakuzu, be quiet. Can somebody please go and find Itachi? I heard him scream earlier. And I was talking to Sasuke, so it wasn't him."

"Tobi will find Itachi-chan!" And I raced out of the room, looking for Itachi. I wonder what he was screaming at...?

An hour later, I finally found him. He was outside, hiding in a tree. Well, more like hugging the tree to death whilst looking terrified.

"Itachi, what are you doing?" I hissed. Uchihas did not cling to trees like that!

"Shhh! They'll hear you!" whispered Itachi. I blinked.

"Who will hear me?"

"The fangiirls..." Oh, SHIT. _TOBI DOES NOT LIKE FANGIRLS! THEY WANT TO MAKE TOBI A BAD BOY! _I HATE FANGIRLS! NOO!

"ITACHI-KUUN!" screamed many female voices. I turned to see a huge crowd of fangirls and fanboys.

"OH SHIT!" I yelled. I grabbed Itachi, and ran towards the base, screaming all the way.

"IT'S TOBI-CHAN~! TOBI-CHAN! COME HERE, WE HAVE CANDYY!"

"STOP RUNNING AWAY WITH OUR ITACHI!" The fangirl crowd chased after us. We ran straight into Sasuke and Konan, who had come looking for us both.

"RUN LIKE HELL!" Itachi shrieked. Sasuke took one look behind us, and screamed.

"SASUKE-KUUUUUUN!" yelled the fangirls. He joined us in running back to the base. Konan sighed.

"YOU PUSSY UCHIHAS! I'll hold them off, then, but you owe me big time!" she yelled to us, before turning to the fangirls. "OKAY, BITCHES AND BASTARDS! Leave them alone and I'll give you naked pictures and yaoi!" A girl with dirty blonde hair in braids, blue-green eyes, and tanned skin pushed her way to the front of the crowd.

"I want Kakuzu x Hidan!" she yelled.

"You. Want. WHAT?" hissed a very angry Kakuzu from behind the crowd. He summoned his fire mask and had it use Katon: Zukokku. Most of the fangirls ran away screaming. Hidan, who had come out to watch, started attacking the ones who stayed.

Itachi and Sasuke and I had almost made it to the base when one fangirl who had creamy skin, crimson eyes and straight blue-black hair decided that she wanted me. She jumped up and grabbed onto me. She wouldn't let go!

"MADARA-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA! MARRY MEEE!" she shrieked. I began to panic.

"GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFFFFF!" I screeched. SHE WAS SCARY!

"HOLD STILL!" yelled Sasuke, punching the girl. She froze, and turned to look at Sasuke.

"AAAH! SCARY, SCARY!" she screamed, running off. Itachi chuckled.

"Holy shit, there are people who don't fangirl over me! Thank god!" Sasuke muttered. The three of us continued to run towards the base. We somehow managed to get inside and lock the door.

"Itachi, what have we learned today?" I asked, panting.

"Never wander around outside when there might be fangirls around."

"Sasuke, take note."

"Yes, sir!"

Later in the day, I stole Deidara's laptop again and decided to look up my own name. I found a weird website which had pictures of me plastered all over it. Sasuke decided to look at what I was doing, for some reason. I clicked on another link.

Cue the screaming.

"HOLY SHIT! I DID NOT WANT TO SEE THAT!" screamed Sasuke.

"WHERE DID THEY GET THESE PICTURES?" I yelled, freaking out. DID THEY GET INTO MY ROOM?

"MY EYES ARE BURNING!"

"YOU IDIOT! YOU JUST USED AMATERASU ON THE SOFA! AND IT WAS SUPER EFFECTIVE!" Pein bellowed, catching our attention.

"Wait, what? Is this why I feel weir- uhh..." Sasuke passed out. I looked at him, and grabbed a permanent marker. Pein facepalmed.

"Why do you insist on acting like a 5 year old?"

"It's fun. Try it some time. Oh wait, you're too busy acting like you have a stick up your ass."

"Says the one who killed his family."

"That was Itachi, not me. The Konoha elders ordered it, not me."

"...riiight, you still helped..."

"Shut it, piercings-man!"

"...Piercings-man? You're one of the most powerful people in the world, completely evil, and that's the best you come up with?"

"...Tobi is a good boy! Tobi doesn't think he should call Leader-chan rude names!" I chirped bubbily, seeing Kisame walk in.

"Tobi, I'm going to kill you." Pein said, glaring at me. Oooh, scary.

"Why...?"

"Tobi, please just shut up..." Itachi sighed. Then we heard crashes, and yelling.

"_DEIDARA! CALM DOWN!" _yelled Sasori's voice. _CRASH. _

"_NO! FUCK OFF SASORI, UN! KATSU!" _No prizes for guessing who that was. _BOOM._

"_DEI-CHAN, COME ON! CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"_ How did Hidan get back up there without us seeing him?

"_SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, UN!" SMASH._

Sasori smashed through the ceiling and landed on the floor.

"Ow... Oh, I see a fairy... AAH! NAVI! NOOOOOO!" he screamed. "I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN!"

"Tobi thinks Sasori-sempai may be a little dazed." I remarked, looking at him. There was another _SMASH _and Hidan was punched through the ceiling.

"Who the fuck taught Deidara to punch that hard? What, is he Captain Falcon now?" yelled the Jashinist. He got up and immediately fell back over.

"Hidan, seeing as Sasori seems to be a little crazy right now, would you care to explain WHAT THE HELL THAT WAS?" Pein yelled, a vein twitching. Well, two holes DID just get punched in the floor. Wait a sec.

"Our base is female!" I screeched, jumping up and down. Everyone present looked at me like I was crazy.

"Why do you think that?" asked Itachi.

"It has two holes. Guys only have one! You should know this, Itachi-chan! Unless you have two holes as well, but I thought Deidara-sempai was the only transsexual here."

"I will kill you, but first you might want to look behind you." I turned around to see a furious Deidara standing there. So I leapt on him.

"DEIDARA-SEMPAI!" He smirked. From upstairs, I heard someone yell "KATSU!"

Shit.

'Deidara' (actually, it was a clay bunshin) exploded.

"OWWWY!" I screamed, sitting down heavily. "I think Deidara-sempai is on her period.."

Everyone burst out laughing. Konan and Kakuzu then walked in the door, covered in blood. Konan was giggling at her copy of _Icha Icha Paradise: Yaoi Edition_. Kakuzu looked at the holes in the ceiling, and at Sasori, who was trying to catch something in a bottle, screaming "I WON'T LISTEN! I WON'T LISTEN!"

"Sasori, Navi died a long time ago. It's okay, she's not here." Kakuzu said. Sasori's eyes snapped to him.

"You're... you're serious? SHE'S DEAD? WOOHOOOOOOOO!" he yelled. It was very rare to see Sasori happy about something.

"Yeah, I killed her when she kept buzzing around me." said Kakuzu, grinning evilly. Sasori high-fived him, and danced around like a madman.

"So... who the hell is Navi?" Hidan asked. I wanted to know, too! But first...

"Konan-chan, did the base have her period all over you and Kakuzu?" Hidan burst out laughing. Kisame started chuckling too. Everyone else glared at me.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

**A/N**

**Sorry that this is so late, and so short. I had a bit of writer's block. Next chapter will be LoZ-style, then the one after will be based around TMNT.**

**Navi: HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN!**

**OH GOD NOOOO! Link, gimme that bottle!**

**Link: ... –stands there blankly-**

**Gah, just give me that! –grabs bottle- GET IN MAH BOTTLE!**

**Navi: LOOK! WATCHOUT! HEY! HEY! LOOK! WATCHOUT! LISTEN!**

**Zelda: I'LL HOLD HER DOWN! GET HER!**

**Midna: QUICKLY!**

**Shit, she's escaping!**

**Review or I will set 1000 clones of Navi on you.**


End file.
